i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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