last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
