i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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