I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize