Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we're making bets on your personal life
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
