since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
