Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
