I cannot find my penis.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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