I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
