On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize