I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
