This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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