Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
