So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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