Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have aggressive nipples.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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