Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
