It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize