after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
