In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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