the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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