i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
