i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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