She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
