My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize