Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
