just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
