You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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