True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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