Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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