Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
