don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The air was thick with penises
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
