Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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