So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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