I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
