it's too hot outside to masturbate.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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