I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
