After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
