he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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