That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
