Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
