I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
