I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
