her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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