Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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