Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
