somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
