She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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