My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize