God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
