my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize