Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
