I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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