Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
