So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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