I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
