I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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