I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
