I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
