fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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